Everyone’s story is different, but a few themes come up frequently in my work with Asian American clients from immigrant families:

• Growing up, there were such high expectations of you. You experienced criticism, comparison to others, and competition. As an adult, you may find you have a relentless inner critic and a tendency toward perfectionism.

• Your family doesn’t like to talk about it, but there was some nasty shit that went down and a lot of secrets they won’t admit. That’s underneath the cover of perfection that was sold to the public and the denial about it that continues today.

• You have a love/hate relationship with your family. This may include siblings and extended family in addition to parent/child relationships. 

• It’s really hard to communicate. Language differences alone make it impossible to have deeper, more nuanced conversations, especially around complex issues. But add to it the culture clashes, like American individualism versus Asian collectivism, and you may feel resentful about the demands placed on you and confused about the conflicting values that you hold.

• Sometimes you wonder if your parents have any idea who you really are or how much they hurt you. You may not have felt truly seen, heard, or accepted in your childhood, and this impacts your relationships now – with others and with yourself. 

• You don’t know all the stories, but you know your parents came from a different world in search of a better life, and that there was a lot of loss and trauma along the way. Though it was not their intent, their suffering impacted you deeply, and you are determined not to continue their cycle in your life or to transmit it to the next generation.